Aculturacion Blog

How should I say this?

aculturacion — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:14:13 +0000

I walked, We walked for a long time. He held my hand all the way. We held on to each other, all of us. It was dark, como un baldio. With dried bushes and dried land. I don’t like to remember that day. It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel definite.

I am not allowed to feel that way.

I am allowed to feel desperate.

I am not allowed to feel normal.

I am allowed to feel trapped.

He had to hide for a while because there were men in the other side. I saw lights. He said “shush” he knelt down and hid behind a rock, i saw light getting near, footsteps, I was thinking about anything, because I didn’t know what I was doing, I was totally unaware of my position. I didn’t know where I was standing.

It was an hour, I don’t remember, to me it felt like two minutes. We continued. We crossed a road. A road that now seems totally magical. It’s a road between the baldio and suburban houses. We hid between bushes, and the guy led us to a house. We entered the house. We were there, and they asked if we were hungry. I said no. We all said no, but they gave us quesadillas. I was amazed at the size of the flour tortillas. They were bigger than my face, bigger that two of my face, maybe even bigger than three sizes of my face. My mom didn’t sleep. She looked over us. When I woke up, my mom wasn’t there, it was my sister and I. I saw her come in the door and I stood up. We were all headed to a new house. A fat chero told us to get on the back of the truck and my mom would go in the front. He told us to stay still and not move, we were laying down. I didn’t listen. I looked up for most of the trip. But once I saw lights my head went right up and saw a white car and a woman driving it. I told my sister. She just laughed. I really didn’t know the significance of every act I made. It still amazes me.

Filed under: Inside my head., long lost pensamientos, The start

Now looking back.

aculturacion — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 20:01:50 +0000

Now looking back, I wish this sunday would be a normal one. A normal sunday would be with my family and I going to church then coming home and eating something mexican ; like carnitas, pozole, something fatty and good. But we don’t. Everyone gets stressed, irritated, we can’t stand each other. I don’t want to help with my sisters’ kids, I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to get up from my bed. I want to just sit and watch movies, and sometimes I don’t even want to do that.

In my perfect world, I would writing an essay on some political thing, or I would be out taking pictures because I would want to impress my photojournalism teacher. My sisters would be going to college, and working, maybe married, maybe single, but tonight we would all go dancing salsa tonight.

But I guess my reality is what keeps me going. I refuse to give in. I can’t afford to do that. But I guess in my reality today is Sunday and not Monday. When my sister graduated high school she graduated with honors. She didn’t go to her graduation. She didn’t go to her prom, She didn’t apply to any college. She was told she would never go to college. She graduated high school pregnant.

When my other sister graduated high school, she graduated pregnant.

They both started working after that.

When I graduated high school, I graduated with IB credits. But college is still too expensive.

Filed under: Inside my head., long lost pensamientos

The Start

aculturacion — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 03:31:18 +0000

I guess i should start, at the beginning. I said bye to a street , a street I no longer remember and have only tiny blurry memories of. I know the road was dark gray like dark smoke. I remember my house door it was green built with old metal scrapping. I was eight. Everyone was getting into a mexico city cab. I looked back and told myself “make it memorable, say goodbye” So I did. I turned and looked both ways before getting into the cab. I looked a moment too long and tried to take in everything about that place. We headed to the bus station. From there I don’t really remember much. The simple details are Godzilla, 101 Dalmatians , and another movie i don’t remember. I don’t remember the people around me, the people sitting next to me. The roads passing by or mexico turning blurry. The bus made restroom stops in improvised diners. I remember this particular one that sold menonita cheese. I thought the name was funny my sister and I laughed, the diner had orange trays. I remember my sister and I calling each other “menonita”.

I can probably affirm that about seventy-five percent of the people in that bus were going to attempt crossing the border. But i don’t remember their faces, their clothes, I just don’t remember.

We reached our stop. I don’t remember it. I remember a hotel, where the guy renting the rooms asked where we were headed, My mom said “Colorado”

“tan lejos” he replied. “who’s the little lady” he said looking at me and i smiled.

I remember the shower, a head shower that i was happy and felt grown up to use. I remember sand and heat. I remember the heat from that place and the outside brightness. I remember going to a store; buying a telephone card. I remember my mom calling someone. That’s all i remember.

We left all of our possessions behind, in the hotel drawers. We accidently left the cadenitas our grandmother gave us before we left.

A car picked us up, it was an automatic car, the ones where once you get in the seat belts adjust to your body. I was amazed. It was brown. Two men took us to the border where another guy met us. I don’t remember his name. He was tall, white, dark hair. He had a goatee. I don’t remember his name, but i bet he was cute. We walked for a long time. He was going to take us one way but decided against it. He recommended that if we were to do this again we should use darker clothes, he gave me his shirt. His shirt was black. I don’t remember what color my shirt was. I remember a fence, a blue fence. A tall fence with people around it, with women hanging from it. But the fence ended and that’s when the journey began.

Filed under: long lost pensamientos, The start, Uncategorized

Love letter from long ago.

aculturacion — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:07:31 +0000

god..i think this is going to be long.

I’ve spend four years trying to explain love, and the many ways why it can not possibly exist, or it could exist. Now valentine’s day is special but very stupid.

so to those who know..those four years i cried….waiting for that person to come back..that person who died…and i still miss. and so at the end of those four years…it kinda came back with a different shape…and brain. LoL. so Now you might understand why this is so painful for me, and somehow dramatic.

But listen!! hey!! listen!!!

So this month i discovered that love does exist. I do believe in love. I know love exist.

So Now Love is;

no judgments, no prejudice

no laws, no boundaries

no height, no depth

no fear, no happiness

no excitement, no pain

no consequences, no hard cover books

or paperback.

no ratings,no lies

no guilt, no regrets, no religion, a lot of excuses.. and absolutely no control.

love is;

the cholesterol around your arteries,

the tumor in your brain,

the car with no breaks.

love is a serious thing.

I am not a doctor but i do feel stupid. i cant help but think-

“ you are ssooooooooooo stupid and now it’s too late”

Love is a serious thing

Uh-mm… and the abstract heart is so important and consequently unconventionally fragile.

I will not lie, I almost died and in my coma, I did not realize i was in love. But because I’m complicated and very stupid and somewhat retarded it is too late., some routine resentful dialog was exchanged, and because we are Aquarius, inexperienced and humans we enjoy being right. so we are sadistic and that makes us feel alive. So when we cry, we don’t cry for loneliness, we cry for Betrayal. So we call for Betrayal because Company abandoned us, and Betrayal isn’t there to comfort us.

but my fairytale doesn’t have a gnome, a princess or Merlin. My once upon a time experience has Marlboro reds, Virginia slims, it has eragon and a 5 dollar black skirt, an unconventional soul and a simplistic mind. As a result and with a lot of sadness it also had lies, hostility, unsaid words, ignorance. And with much regret i will have to say; it ended with choler.

(remember I’m not a doctor so the diagnosis could be wrong but by the symptoms I ALONE CONCLUDED it was a serious case of choler)

I will not lie

an obstinate heartache does not heal easily but it makes a genius December movie script.

During this healing process Red bulls are my factory-made remedy and the sentences that were said and that are imprinted in my mind do comeback if I let them. I am Afraid one day they will disappear. SO i let them float near my mid-brain and maybe they move to my septum but when they drown I feel the touch of love.

But….so I think

“I was afraid and so i did try to defend myself against this violent displeasure and maybe unconsciously try to sabotage it at the beginning but i wasn’t the only one”

So i have learned that people like me, try to overthrow the occupying fear and end up dancing a mix of salsa and tango. they fall for it and they mute the words around them just to spend one minute with it. ( or him..or love, or that)

So this may sound like a pastiche of life but if you love, love with all your self, heart and sex. just be smart realize you still live in the world of cause and effect.

but if you do love , love with all that passion.

Because ;

when you cry.. and you will cry..you WILL truly CRY!.

when you laugh, and you will laugh, you will truly LAUGH!

and when that happens

you are IN that wonderland called LOVE.

that, I think is the only real thing in this cause and effect world.

Posted in long lost pensamientos

Toy cars

aculturacion — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:50:50 +0000

I was thinking…and thinking…about beautiful things that can make me smile. I found beautiful toy cars that do just that. They are old, but beautiful. There is nothing special about them..but they are small…and look so real. They make me feel small and sometimes that is a good thing.

Posted in Photos, Random Smile

The F line to Lincoln

aculturacion — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:17:05 +0000

I’m taking the F line to Lincoln.

This is definitely a new adventure.

I’m going to the University of Denver.

18th and scout- There is a tall building , white with roman collums. I keep wondering what is going to happen today.

I guess as long as we have names for colors we will have different races.

I think the F line and the D line go to the same place.

I see a lady with a huge ass. A tiny little lady with a humongous ass.

I.D.K. where I’m going. The doors are closing. This is southbound.

“With gloom everywhere I sit and I stare” Billie Holiday says.

It is a beautiful thing. The trains, the movement. The movement, the rocking. It is an experience.

The Union Pacific Trains. The mustard carts. We are high now. Rocking above the tracks. Alameda – Next Broadway.

I don’t look pretty today. I look very serious and average. I guess that is what I’m going for.

I/25 & Broadway have all the lines.

C E D H F

Louisiana- Perl- Next stop University of Denver. The doors are closing. To get to the Colorado Station there is a tunnel.

This is the Yale Station.

I honestly don’t know where I am.

THE END.

Posted in Inside my head.

I am not new to wordpress.

aculturacion — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:36:15 +0000

I used to have a wordpress blog , and it was hosted by lunar pages before it got super expensive. I was thinking about fatcow hosting…but I wasn’t sure….Anyways it is definitely different but I’m going to try and make it fun…and definitely commit to this. I was never much of a blogger…but since i have nothing else to do…then I might as well try it. I will blog about my life….the things that happen to me…every single day….I will commit to report to the outside world how I feel about certain things that happen….and certain feelings that consequently were felt…during such events. I love firefox and how it corrects your words.

Posted in Uncategorized