Love letter from long ago.

god..i think this is going to be long.

I’ve spend four years trying to explain love, and the many ways why it can not possibly exist, or it could exist. Now valentine’s day is special but very stupid.

so to those who know..those four years i cried….waiting for that person to come back..that person who died…and i still miss. and so at the end of those four years…it kinda came back with a different shape…and brain. LoL. so Now you might understand why this is so painful for me, and somehow dramatic.

But listen!! hey!! listen!!!

So this month i discovered that love does exist. I do believe in love. I know love exist.

So Now Love is;

no judgments, no prejudice

no laws, no boundaries

no height, no depth

no fear, no happiness

no excitement, no pain

no consequences, no hard cover books

or paperback.

no ratings,no lies

no guilt, no regrets, no religion, a lot of excuses.. and absolutely no control.

love is;

the cholesterol around your arteries,

the tumor in your brain,

the car with no breaks.

love is a serious thing.

I am not a doctor but i do feel stupid. i cant help but think-

“  you are ssooooooooooo stupid and now it’s too late”

Love is a serious thing

Uh-mm… and the abstract heart is so important and consequently unconventionally fragile.

I will not lie, I almost died and in my coma, I did not realize i was in love. But because I’m complicated and very stupid and somewhat retarded it is too late., some routine resentful dialog was exchanged, and because we are Aquarius, inexperienced and humans we enjoy being right. so we are sadistic and that makes us feel alive. So when we cry, we don’t cry for loneliness, we cry for Betrayal.  So we call for Betrayal  because Company abandoned us, and Betrayal isn’t there to comfort us.

but my fairytale doesn’t have a gnome, a princess or Merlin. My once upon a time experience has Marlboro reds, Virginia slims, it has eragon and a 5 dollar black skirt, an unconventional soul and a simplistic mind. As a result and with a lot of sadness it also had lies, hostility, unsaid words, ignorance. And with much regret i will have to say; it ended with choler.

(remember I’m not a doctor so the diagnosis could be wrong but by the symptoms I ALONE CONCLUDED it was a serious case of choler)

I will not lie

an obstinate heartache does not heal easily but it makes a genius December movie script.

During this healing process Red bulls are my factory-made remedy and the sentences that were said and that are imprinted in my mind do comeback if I let them. I am Afraid one day they will disappear. SO i let them float near my mid-brain and maybe they move to my septum but when they drown I feel the touch of love.

But….so I think

“I was afraid and so i did try to defend myself against this violent displeasure and maybe unconsciously try to sabotage it at the beginning but i wasn’t the only one”

So i have learned that people like me, try to overthrow the occupying fear and end up dancing a mix of salsa and tango. they fall for it and they mute the words around them just to spend one minute with it. ( or him..or love, or that)

So this may sound like a pastiche of life but if you love, love with all your self, heart and sex. just be smart realize you still live in the world of cause and effect.

but if you do love , love with all that passion.

Because ;

when you cry.. and you will cry..you WILL truly CRY!.

when you laugh, and you will laugh, you will truly LAUGH!

and when that happens

you are IN that wonderland called LOVE.

that, I think is the only real thing in this cause and effect world.